On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
