i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
