ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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