Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
