Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
