This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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