You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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