so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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