I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
