I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize