before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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