Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
