Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
