Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
