I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
