he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
