there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
