Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I believe in your delicious
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
