mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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