the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
well you can't waste a boner
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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