it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
