You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
