and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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