I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
