Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can't turn off my feet"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I woke up under a house in Key West
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
