oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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