Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Even my vagina gasped.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
