he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
