If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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