**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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