I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
