I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
