The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
