I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
