my shit smells like andre
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
