I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize