thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
