he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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