I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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