Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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