i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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