Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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