so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
40s are totally the cure
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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