when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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