Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
