Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
