Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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