Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this will be a night to untag.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
