If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
