i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Randomize
