if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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