We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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