you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
