You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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